the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
