I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
