Where did you get a picture of my penis
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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