Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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