Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
