like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
