My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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