Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
