the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
