If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
