i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The Olympian is in my bed
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
