Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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