What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
