The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
