I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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