omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
