My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
