So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
