I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
