And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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