the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
