thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
