and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
