I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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