two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
