??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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