Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
