someone get that fucking seahorse.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
