Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
