I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
