Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
