Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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