wakey wakey hands off snakey
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
