when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Oh god it's open bar.
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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