she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
