he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
