so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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