does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
