can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
