Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
