Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
