I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
