Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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