I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
