lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
