Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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