i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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