There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
