i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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