I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
