i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
